Beating Down The Legend-Hawkers And Night-Takers-The Legend Slayer Cometh Yet Again-De-Stinging “Spider Man-The Homecoming ” (2017)-A Very Necessary Film Review 

DVD Review 

By Will Bradley 

I have said it more than once and you have probably said it too that on some days you cannot win. I have recently gotten back in harness in the legend-slayer business which is how I originally got my by-line when I went toe to toe with, well, legendary film reviewer Seth Garth over the fake news legend and serious criminal activity of one Larry Lawrence, his name on the Scotland Yard and Interpol police blotter but better known as Sherlock Holmes. From there it was almost child’s play to sift through the evidence to see what was real and what was baloney going back to the time of Robin Hood and his greasy like a stuck pig PR operation run be a defrocked priest and serial child molester Friar Tuck. (Defrocked not for those myriad later crimes but for robbing the church alms box and for selling votive candled out of his cart stealing them from the altars so nothing really has changed that much as far as the abuse of helpless kids is concerned,)   

What I learned along the way and this is important is that not all legends are spun from pure cloth, fake news, press agent bull or movie studio or literary digest paid hand-outs. The best example of that in the past was the Green Hornet, the individual and the organization of the same name who really did save our asses when the usual greedy humous giant decided he wanted the universe on a platter starting with poor benighted New York which has been the target of many, too many nefarious deadbeat deals and was not particular about who or how many he had to step over on the way.   

More recently and this is where I have been taking some heat although I am not sure if it isn’t from Tony Stark’s massive publicity department, a publicity department whose budget is larger than the American military budget whereas by comparison the Stark Industries research and development department gets something like 25 million and has been cut repeatedly in recent years. (That drastic decrease to pay for the huge and expanding high maintenance costs of keeping a fistful of hit men and women at the ready in case anybody threatens his world-wide operations headquartered in that same benighted New York. You can image the upkeep for a guy like fake legend Hulk to keep him doped up 24/7 and then ramp him up when duty calls.) For what purpose. To tout his so-called Avengers operation made up of himself as a guy called Ironman and a bunch of mutants, men and women, adult men and women. So Tony needs two things one a massive publicity campaign spreading the word, the false word, that the world is safe as long as his operation is around and the profits keep rolling in and another addition to his Avenger vigilante posse. I might be wrong although I have a pretty good nose now for this kind of stuff, but I think Stark was trying to get this Spider Man gag spider kid really to appeal to the younger crowd since the young as usual were getting bored with a bunch of old fogies who could hardly keep themselves safe never mind the world.   

That is background but what has been dogging me of late is this hate campaign ever since I exposed Spider Man as a teenage mutant, a nerd and a holy goof. A fake legend in the making no question. Some anonymous maybe paid e-mailer took umbrage (his or her word) when I mentioned that this so-called legend changed from his high school teenage day clothes to his “uniform” in some wino piss dumpster back alley. So much for legend status for this bum of the month   

But enough of my sorrows and tribulations and on to the latest efforts to turn this teenage mutant into the stuff girls dream about at night. Spider Man (I really hate to call this punk a man but I will play the game as long as I can destroy the bastard’s budding legend which will be my first chance to nip this fake stuff in the bud right at the beginning unlike say that Robin Hood generosity noise spun out before by that ravenous beats Tuck) originally didn’t make the final cut as an Avenger after falling down in what was called the Battle of New York. (For those with short memories that is when some lizards tried to take over Central Park and it took something like the combined might of NATO and American state forces combined to subdue the damn pests after Spider Man, aka at nowhere high school as Peter Parker, a name which was a source of many witty ditties and some salacious remarks as well, fell down, lost the battle against a freaking lizard and had to be evacuated by the aforementioned forces and Tony Stark’s vagabonds and grifters)    

Back in high school Pete is the average flop that a nerd and holy goof relishes looking for some sympathy from girls or maybe fellow nerds. I will say this for the kid he never lost the dream of getting that suit back from Tony Stark even if he did have to put it on in some wino piss dumpster back alley. He decided to free-lance for a while trying desperately to get back on the team. Fortunately, New York, Jesus always New York like Pasadena or Boise couldn’t use a little help for what menaces their existences was being menaced by a guy who used to haul the debris from the Battle of New York and was pissed off that he lost the contract to some low bidder, actually some no bidder, some alphabet soup deep state operation with high budgets and no oversight. In revenge Mack, aren’t the bad guys always named Mack, started stealing whatever was not nailed down and having his techie make some awesome weapons and other stuff to menace the world.

This guy’s operation was strictly low-rent, showed that it was nothing but a start-up dream. This guy, let’s call him Mike because I hate the name Mack, but like a lot of things down in the mud of society don’t get hung up on names, had his techie make up some contraption, that is the best word I can use to describe it, that would let him fly around and steal whatever he wanted unmolested. You should have seen this thing. It would have embarrassed the Wright Brothers, Jesus, even poor Icarus. Strictly nuts and bolts. Even then when Spider Man went up against the guy he took a few beatings before he was able to subdue Rust Man. Here is the howler though, the thing that made me realize this was very much a Tony Stark hijinks, this guy’s daughter went to school with Peter and he had a crush on her. Naturally when Dad went to jail that romance was kaput. One budding legend down.